Friday, August 27, 2021

You don't have to always feel comfortable!

I was always wondering about "turning point" in life. People seems experienced it at one point in their life, what about me? Well, years later I finally got my own "turning point", or that's what I thought. You know, there were days where I just felt like sh*t, I didn't know what to do with life. Put aside goals, I just wanted to survive living day by day. 

I kept thinking about my situation, why is it like that? In the end, it's all my own fault. I didn't work hard enough, I didn't do things seriously? I keep procrastinating and scared doing something (I love). And then I would get mad at myself, this whole situation is the result of my own laziness. 

I would have breakdown most of the days, well it's mostly because of my PMDD too, lol #girlsproblem. Then I'd tell my boyfriend the same complains and maybe he kinda sick of it hahaha! But, he also told me that the situation is hard for everyone. It's because of the pandemic that I no longer attending events, or I couldn't go anywhere to make contents, etc. Thanks, anyway :p

There were days where I just had all fun-- reading mangas, watching anime/ dramas, playing Genshin Impact (well I'm addicted lol), then feeling down when I saw other people's success. Then I'd go back blaming myself..... although I had fun ._. That's when I decided to start streaming on Twitch, at least I did something rather than just "playing game for nothing". It's all good until my internet suddenly got really really bad, I can't do any stream anymore. The upload speed just 'meh' and there's no other ISP available in my area. Again, I gave it up :(
At some point, I finally started to try looking for full time job again, to earn money because life was hard lol. I already did the interview, they had contacted me that they're interested and I could start working, talked about salary etc, but then they ghosted me :")))) I was so confused, is it misunderstanding at my side? At least if you didn't agree with my salary suggestion, you could tell me. On another perspective, I didn't take it personally and just told myself: well, God just tell you this is not your way. I'm not that religious, but I did pray before, I hope God would "tell me" the answer. If it's meant to be, it will be. If not, that means "working by myself" is the answer. To be honest, it's not only happened once, so yeah...... I thought I got the answer? ;p
Actually I still do some freelance works, but it's not loaded and there were some payment issues too and I was really broke to the point I really didn't know how I could survive without my parents and boyfriend (big big thanks!!) Part of it is my fault because I spent money like there's no tomorrow lol. 
Don't have any money really woke me up. I'm just being realistic here, YOU NEED MONEY IN YOUR LIFE. I really couldn't do anything, couldn't buy anything, it's hell hahaha. But when I got the money, I used it to do things I couldn't do before, I bought anything I couldn't before, then I'd run out of money again. It's bad and I'm trying hard to change it :") 

That's when I realized I need to keep "making money". It'll run out at some point if I don't work hard to earn more money to maintain my lifestyle; or at least to survive. Man, I'm not young anymore. (That's also one reason I felt so useless). Long story short, I asked to be a part in a local brand campaign about "The First Step", and it really helped me to really take the first step in thing I wanna do for a long time: starting my own merch shop. I just thought that I have nothing inspiring to share...... but they told me it's okay, that's what make it relatable because pandemic has been hard for everyone. That's when I realized that I don't wanna feel ashamed of myself, I want to at least have something inspiring to tell. I need to change-- and work hard.

It's been a long post, lol. In conclusion, I just want to say that although I feel uncomfortable with the changes, although I have so many doubts and fear, I really want to do this. I want to work really hard at least once in my life, I wanna try changing my life into the better. I hope this is gonna going well (please!). There's day when I feel really lazy or overwhelmed but I will try hard to overcome it. I wish I can update a good news about it later in this blog ;)

If you read this post, thank you! If not, well I just want to write this for myself, so I can look back in the future, to see how much I changed (hopefully)! Jaa, see ya~

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